


You want to be a warrior (You better learn to cry)

by SquaresAreNotCircles



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Abandonment Issues, Angst, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Mentions of a lot of characters, Minor Steve McGarrett/Catherine Rollins, spoilers for canon up to 9.10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 23:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17887361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquaresAreNotCircles/pseuds/SquaresAreNotCircles
Summary: At the time, Steve had had no idea it was happening. He was fifteen and his mom had just died and his life was in shambles, so when his dad told him he’d be moving to the mainland, on his own, with Mary at aunt Deb’s and dad still on Oahu, he’d been mad.Or: Five times Steve loved someone who left him anyway.





	You want to be a warrior (You better learn to cry)

**Author's Note:**

> This is not in any way my usual fare and I feel like I should add a note of warning just for that. It’s really more of a half meta, half character study, nearly all angst thing, and I’m not sure if it works – like I said, not my usual gig, and also definitely not my strong suit – but seeing as it exists and I stumbled across it today: here it is.
> 
> The title comes from [Warrior](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eKGvJBSqnw), a song by Luka Bloom, because I saw him live a while ago without knowing any of his music beforehand, and this song? Shit, this song got to me _hard_ on many levels, but it also works really well for Steve.

**1.**

At the time, Steve had had no idea it was happening. He was fifteen and his mom had just died and his life was in shambles, so when his dad told him he’d be moving to the mainland, on his own, with Mary at aunt Deb’s and dad still on Oahu, he’d been mad. He’d felt furious and heartbroken and confused, and so very, very lost.

He’d wanted a hug. He wanted someone to hold him and tell him it would be alright, but he couldn’t ask for that. He was fifteen, after all. He shouldn’t want his dead mother to sing him to sleep so he wouldn’t have to bite his fist to muffle the sounds of his crying with the blanket pulled over his head.

And he loved his dad, and he still loves his dad, but looking back – all the way, to when he was that scared teenager who had seen half of his world crumble and then had the other half of it ripped away from him – looking back, that was the first time he’d felt he was getting left behind by someone he loved. 

His dad did it so quietly Steve didn’t even realize it at the time, but he still left them right then, even if it was Mary and Steve that relocated.

-

**2.**

The first time his mom left him, he – again, because somehow that’s his life – didn’t even know it had happened. He only saw it for what it really was twenty years later.

But by then she was back in his life, and their relationship wasn’t perfect (about as far from that as he could imagine, most of the time) but she was _there_. That counted for something, considering all the shit they’d all been through. Even Mary, who was so much better at holding grudges than he had ever been, was starting to forgive Doris. She’d called her mom again.

And then mom left to help guide Kono and Adam, and told him they’d talk when she came back, and then she didn’t come back. He thinks maybe he should have seen that coming.

He didn’t.

-

**3.**

Catherine is good at leaving. It’s a bitter, petty, mean thought of him to have, but it might be true, because she does it twice.

The first time, when she heads for Afghanistan to help rescue someone’s child, he leaves with her. Then he gets injured, and suddenly Danny’s there, and he and Danny return home and Catherine doesn’t, and when she calls him he tells her that he loves her because he knows what this is. He knows how these things go. He’s grateful he even gets to talk to her on the phone at all, because he hasn’t always been that lucky.

The second time she leaves, he’s somehow even less prepared. Or no, that’s wrong – he’s prepared, he’s fully prepared, but for the exact opposite. The ring burns a hole in his pocket when he watches the car that picked her up disappear down the street and he has to wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t come home right that second. She was already on his front porch with her bags packed, waiting for her ride. If he hadn’t shown up just then, if the case had run ten minutes longer or if he’d stayed to talk to Danny and they’d gotten caught up in another round of pointless bickering, would she have left without saying goodbye?

He wonders about that, and then stops wondering, because he doesn’t want to know the answer. Instead, he drags himself inside and collects every bottle of alcohol in the house on the coffee table and does his goddamn level best to empty them all in one sitting.

-

**4.**

Chin and Kono don’t leave together, but they do go almost simultaneously. Kono’s disappearance hurts like a physical wound in his chest, but he’s not sure the waiting around for Chin to pack up his bags and move is much better. It just stretches things out, makes a longer process out of it; it means he has to smile about it a lot more. Which is fine, because he’s happy for them both.

He _is_. 

It’s a great thing, to find something you can throw yourself behind fully, which consumes you with a _need_ to do it, instead of feeling like compulsory occupational therapy that gets food on the table. Besides, none of this is about him. He knows they don’t want to hurt him and he’s happy they have the chance to expand their horizons and follow their hearts, but none of that lessens the fact that his own just hurts with it, whether he wants it to or not. 

It just fucking hurts. 

-

**5.**

Joe is a special case. He drifts in and out of Steve’s life so much it’s sometimes hard to keep track, and it makes sense. It’s to be expected in their line of work.

It’s only Danny, sitting in the car next to him and spitting out his every thought about the man Steve considers a father figure, who makes him realize that always leaving for a little bit still isn’t at all the same as staying.

And then Joe comes and leaves again, in the way he wants, under that tree he loves with the view he thinks is the most beautiful in the world, and Joe’s still a special case. He doesn’t just leave Steve, he leaves him to deal with his lifeless body, too.

-

**+1.**

Steve keeps staring at Danny at night. He suspects Danny knows, because Danny still gets bouts of insomnia and isn’t an idiot, but it takes a long time for him to ask about it. Weeks. When he does, whisper-soft in the intimate darkness of Steve’s bed, Steve startles so badly he needs a second to catch his breath.

Maybe that’s why he says, “I’m waiting for you to leave.”

Which sounds awful. It sounds throat-twistingly, world-shatteringly _terrible_ , because it sounds like he _wants_ Danny to leave, like he’s _asking_ him to, when he would and could never do that. He maybe should, but that’s a different matter altogether, one Steve spends sleepless nights trying not to contemplate.

He can see it now, Danny’s sad eyes watching him, almost hidden in the pillows because neither of them have moved yet. Steve knows it’s always just a matter of time.

“It’s okay,” he says. (It’s not.) “I’m used to it.” (He’s not.)

And Danny does move, then, just like Steve predicted, except he moves the wrong way. He moves closer. That’s not how it works at all and Steve knows Danny knows that, but he doesn’t seem to understand it very well. He invades Steve’s half of the bed quietly, with nothing more than some rustling of sheets, and he encounters no resistance whatsoever when he claims a turf on Steve’s pillow.

Danny’s eyes are still sad, but they’re closer now.

A hand touches Steve’s cheek, careful. It moves from there over his temple to his hairline and with the curve of his head beyond, warm and strong, until it ends up at his nape, cupping the vulnerable place at the back of his neck. Halfway through, Steve realizes he doesn’t need to brace himself for Danny pushing or pulling at him. It’s a caress, plain and simple, and he has to close his eyes against the wave of feelings, because it’s not like in the ocean, where he knows how to bend with the currents so he doesn’t get swept off his feet.

He doesn’t see the kiss coming, either literally or figuratively. It’s soft and melancholy and has such a wealth of affection behind it that it maybe breaks something inside of Steve.

When he opens his eyes, Danny is still there, still so close the tips of their noses almost touch. Danny finds one of Steve’s hands, blindly, and pulls it to his chest, where he keeps it covered with his own hand. It’s not over Danny’s heart. Steve knows what he’s feeling instead, because he has the matching transplant scar on his own body. 

“I’m not leaving,” Danny says, into what cursed space there is between them. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily, asshole.”

Steve makes a sound that’s frightening to his own ears. It’s his turn to move, so he takes it greedily, and buries his face in the crook of Danny’s neck, tangling their legs together and clinging on for dear life. Still, somehow, Danny stays right where he is. He rubs Steve’s arms and murmurs soothing words and he’s there, right there, and that thing, that broken thing inside Steve, haphazard and ugly with jagged edges – it’s not fixed, it probably never will be, but he thinks maybe he can build something out of the shards that resembles okay.

He’s not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you've made it all the way to here, I'd be very curious to hear your thoughts, if you have the time/energy/ability to leave a comment. ❤
> 
> I'm on Tumblr as [itwoodbeprefect](https://itwoodbeprefect.tumblr.com), or with my exclusively H50 (and mostly McDanno) sideblog as [five-wow](https://five-wow.tumblr.com).


End file.
